A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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