Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize