I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
