Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
