Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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