I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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