i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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