I checked into jail on foursquare
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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