anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
