My cat gives me a boner
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
