She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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