oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
