I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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