that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
