I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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