I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
