I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
