my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
