i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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