Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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