I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
