i already hear my dad disowning me
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
