I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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