Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
