I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
