Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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