The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
