dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
