she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
