hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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