Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
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