literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
