Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
