Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
