I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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