A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
