If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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