My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up under a house in Key West
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
