the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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