who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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