everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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