well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
