The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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