I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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