You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
