my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
