How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
