I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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