i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize