I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
