Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
