rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
