Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
high people should be assigned attendants
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
