She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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