So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
