dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
